The list of books that should be banned from our humor columnist

I understand that people across the country – ordinary people like you and me – are demanding that certain books be banned from our schools and public libraries. They flock to meetings and inundate officials with emails, phone calls and text messages because they believe that certain ideas simply should not appear in public, at least under the sanction of bureaucracy.

I couldn’t agree more.

Let’s face it: some thoughts are bad. They’re annoying, they’re un-American, and they’re just downright dangerous. They send the wrong message to society. I don’t know what books other people want to ban, but to help them, I’ve compiled my own list. Perhaps the following books once had some merit, but in these “woke” times they pose a clear and present danger, and they should be “canceled” as soon as possible.

Charlotte’s web

It seems incomprehensible that in a state like Florida we would allow a book that glorifies spiders. These eight-legged monsters – along with all insects and arachnids – are our sworn enemies, invading our homes and workplaces, even our closets and sock drawers, and – most terrifying of all – our very beds. We spend billions of dollars every year trying to eradicate them, yet we allow our children to learn how wonderful and compassionate they are. In this particularly pernicious book, the insect lovers even make a spider the hero and endow it with magical powers, such as writing, graphics and marketing. Wake up, Florida. back to reading Yearlingin which the little boy gives that damn deer just what he deserves, a bullet right in the eye.

carried away by the wind

This book has been decried as racist and glorifying the false lost cause of the “valiant” South. True. But another shame lies in its portrayal of women. Scarlett O’Hara is a work of art. She lies, manipulates, cheats, demands attention, carries guns, steals from husbands, beats animals, and is rude to help. And yet, she is presented as a model for young women! What if the rising wave of ambitious young women entering politics began to follow suit? Imagine if they started taking pictures of themselves with guns and spouting outrageous lies and slurs and attending white nationalist rallies! What a nightmare that would be. Sufficient! It’s time carried away by the windwell, go with the wind.

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

Florida has enough drug problems. Our fellow citizens consume far too much of it and the state is a major center for smuggling. What we need is a strong and clear vision of our public drug policy. And what better way to do that than to ban Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland?

The book – aimed at impressionable children – is a virtual introduction to the world of stimulants, relaxants and hallucinogens, made all the more gruesome when an innocent young girl is the exploited victim. On her “journey”, she encounters a hookah-smoking caterpillar, a rabbit on speed, and a mad hatter on meth. The poor girl ingests mushrooms and then talks to flowers. And they respond!

Banning this book would be a valuable addition to our medical marijuana program, which has been carefully planned to restrict cannabis to the average citizen and also makes money for the state and its investors, many of whom are visionary politicians.

Think how rigorous that is. You go to a specialist doctor, you tell him that you have back pain and you give him a hundred dollars. Then they send you a card like a driver’s license. (Hint: don’t carry it in your wallet. It always drops at the wrong time.) Then you go to a marijuana store. They sell products you didn’t even know existed. And although these stores are everywhere (three are within walking distance of my trailer park), the strict vetting process ensures that no one enters their doors taking drugs for anything other than serious medical purposes, unlike the drug addicts who stumble with poor young Alice.

Master the art of French cuisine

Julia Child’s so-called masterpiece is wrong, wrong, wrong on every possible level. First of all, French cuisine? The very word “French” leaves a bad taste in many people’s mouths. Why aren’t they nicer to us? I can barely count the number of times they’ve been a problem, always defending governments we don’t like, and then there was that submarine deal a few months ago.

And the kitchen! I love a good French dressing as much as anyone, but French cooking is so complicated they made a Meryl Streep movie about it (Julia and Julia). So many incomprehensible terms to learn – fricassee, grapefruit, potato, tasting. It’s quite a big bite. And all that butter, cream and goat cheese are dangerous to your health.
And may I underline the first word of the title? What kind of message does this send? The word “master” is removed from the English language, and it’s not too soon. There is no longer a “master bedroom”. This is now the “master bedroom”. There is no more “director”. It is now “Head of School”. There is no more “mastery”. It is now “a useless piece of paper that condemns you to a life of poverty teaching English at a junior college”.

Condominium

This 1977 novel by pulp fiction writer John D. MacDonald concerns a hurricane that destroys an entire Florida town built on a barrier island. Some readers seemed to like it. Others saw it for what it was – an early piece of climate change propaganda. Could such a disaster really happen? Do the research. Experts say a skyscraper near Miami Beach is about as likely to collapse in 30 seconds.

Condominium offense on an even more fundamental level. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but the facts are the facts. The Florida developers aren’t the bad guys MacDonald taps with his mean brush. It’s true that one or two can occasionally “puff the line”, but the people who are responsible for our built environment should be recognized for who they are. They are the ones who felled the trees, drained the wetlands, removed the wildlife, paved the parking lots, changed the zoning. And let’s not forget the enormous economic impact real estate development has and all the money it brings in, not only to Florida but also to banks in the Bahamas, Turks and Caicos Islands and Panama.

Entertaining

Like most Floridians, I adore Martha Stewart. I myself have absorbed a lot of flower arrangement advice from her and am convinced that she has a real gift for combining hues. But, let’s not forget, she is a convicted felon and therefore prevented from making money from her crimes.

I’m not the first to point out that her most recent book contains a recipe she, by all accounts, picked up in prison. Thus, it is a product of his criminal conduct and is prohibited from making money. She called the dish cheese hot dog. In prison, it’s called “franks ‘n’ Velveeta” and you can do it on a hot plate or even on a radiator. It’s called death row comfort food. It’s not bad if you can find cayenne pepper.

I’m surprised the Attorney General has allowed this to go on for so long. There is a clear legal problem here, and if the so-called authorities do not act, we as citizens must.

Moby-Dick

Some books shouldn’t just be banned. They should be punished. Moby-Dick is a great example. What a nightmare this must have been through. The two main memories of my college years are smoking drugs and reading. Moby-Dick, often at the same time. I never finished it. I went to the mahjong stage. But I did my own research, and the results are surprising.

According to online experts, Moby-Dick is largely responsible for the extinction of many species, especially the great white whale. Impressionable readers of the time were presented with such an alluring view of a career as a whaler that the industry grew exponentially and there were soon no more white whales. There is a tendency among “woke” “experts” to blame their extinction on the perverse effects of capitalism, but Moby-Dick proves that it has been accomplished by a book – and that book should be banned.

And if you’ve pondered the unholy alliance between this supposedly immortal classic and a certain coffeehouse chain that takes its name from a major character, you’re not alone. Bloggers reported that 2 cents from the sale of each copy of Moby-Dick goes straight to Starbucks, due to an unusual licensing clause in Melville’s original contract with Random House.

The Everglades: River of Grass

Talk about “alternative facts”. I’ve been through Alligator Alley several times and believe me it’s not a river. It’s a swamp. The author’s theory — it’s the famous Marjory Stoneman Douglas — is that it’s actually a river a hundred miles wide. And she says it’s the only one in the world, which seems highly unlikely, even if there was such a thing.

People have tried to drain it for hundreds of years. Just think what all that extra land would do for our state. We could have more sugar farming, more cattle ranching, more housing developments and planned communities. It would make a great mall. There was even a marvelous plan to build the biggest airport in the world there. But for some reason, something always goes wrong. The Army Corps of Engineers did a great job building 1,400 miles of canals through the Everglades, and does Douglas thank them for their efforts? Absolutely not. This book even blames them for all the flooding, toxic pesticide spills, and invasive species that have taken over. It sows the seeds of distrust in the government, the military, the real estate developers – everyone who built modern Florida.

And even Douglas didn’t really like the place. She admitted that she had never been there except for the occasional picnic. “It’s too buggy, too humid, too generally inhospitable,” she confessed. Maybe it’s time to ban the book and finally clear the swamp.

About Marcia G. Hussain

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